15 Reasonable Suggestions to Prevent School Shootings

1. Students and teachers go naked. No clothes means nobody can even approach a school hiding a weapon. This has the added advantage of also preventing stabbings, baseball bat beatings, and any other potential violence.

2. Giant Gloves. Everyone in school must wear some form of huge, bulky, or otherwise cumbersome hand gear, thus preventing the pulling of a trigger.

3. Bullet Proof Uniforms.

4. Camouflage uniforms. Students wear clothing that blends into the furniture, wallpaper, desks, etc. You can’t shoot what you can’t see.

5. Arm teachers.

6. A monthly ‘Purge’, like in those movies. Once a month, the school is open to any and all ruthless, lawless behavior. Thus ‘purging’ students of their homicidal tendencies.

7. Drugs. Sedate students through the water supply, preferably using opiates now that the pharmaceutical industry has to step back on oxycontin and the like.

8. Giant Magnets. Any metal entering a school is instantly drawn to giant magnetic walls and doors, thus preventing any active shooter from using their weapons.

9. Pay teachers extra for carrying a weapon.

10. Legalize school shootings altogether. If it’s not against the law, what’s the problem?

11. Decoy students and teachers in every classroom. Robotic, easy-to-shoot fake students that appeal to the active shooter, such as robotic cheerleaders and jocks and teachers, etc…

12. Puppies and kittens. Even homicidal maniacs hesitate to kill a puppy. Fill each classroom with puppies and kittens.

13. Or, more cost effective, for every school shooting, a nationally televised puppy shooting. Say, 10 shot puppies for every student murdered, thus showing future school shooters that we really mean business about this school shooting thing.

14. Pitch black schools. No lights. You can’t shoot what you can’t see.

15. An armed security force in every school in the country.

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